One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Lmao
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.