@ericsshadow

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

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@pilau

me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me

murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction

@Bob_Janke

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

@envydatropic

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

@zachreinert0

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

@Sanbel11

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@WritePlay

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.