@ericsshadow

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

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@semple42

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

@OhhhLuiss

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

@TheWinegasm

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@KalvinMacleod

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.