growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
That’s what I call a flat tire
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.