*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO