The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
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No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My friend is an excellent librarian.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay