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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!