If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Meeeee too!
Truth
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Do not go gentle into that good night,
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”