CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Yup.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Strange
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.