@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

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@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@BDGarp

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

@KamaroPayne

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

@oneawkwardmom

My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.

@Token_Geezer

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

@robyn_vo

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

@ShawnGarrett

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.