Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Mad Max Arctic Road
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.