*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?