“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You Might Also Like
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
My circle of trust is a meatball
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes