@Marcmywords2

Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

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@nicfit75

Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.

@Just__J0

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

@Aspersioncast

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@slimmy_shady

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

@whinecheezits

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

@_SingleBabyMama

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

@GirrlGenius

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.