Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.

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Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.


17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.


We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.


Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.


“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.


My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.


“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.


It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.


If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.