Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Breaking news:
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?