good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
You Might Also Like
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
he looks great for his age
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.