Strange
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.