My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
@ candidates for local office
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT