@ candidates for local office
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50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.