The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.