Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.