That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.