me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
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Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.