Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
him: who is your fantasy?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Guy- What’s your sign?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
me: son, you’re adopted
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.