Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
This is the one
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count