@jojipaints

Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.

– texts to my bed

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@PinkCamoTO

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@BrickMahoney

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

@SteveSuckington

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

@pleatedjeans

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

@WetMascara

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

@ChefRonSullivan

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …