Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
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on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Dammit Chief not again
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.