“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”