Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
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REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”