Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.