Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”