If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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Good morning y’all ☀️
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.