This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
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PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.