Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
When can I start eating bats again.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
i want to work in this restaurant
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I put the p in pants.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace