I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
You Might Also Like
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Every photo I’m tagged in
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.