If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT