[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
You Might Also Like
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”