kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?