All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Stop sending me this shit.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.