Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
This week’s mood.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops