I dunno why but this feels like a trap
You Might Also Like
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.