I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”