I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.