I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You鈥檒l still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
When you need a dentist who鈥檚 also a snake handler. That.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how