❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
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People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.