Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
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I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.