Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!