What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
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“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
How does one answer this?
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?