I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.