On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.