If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
You Might Also Like
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Genius idea!!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Stonehinge
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Cats are still liquid.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.