[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !