Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
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[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no