Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy