t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
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Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Happy Febuary everyone!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no