Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.