Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac