Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
You Might Also Like
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Dishonest mechanic?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.